Voluntary childless

This blog seems to have nothing to do with the Philippines, in a way it does and in a way it doesnt. To me this topic is very personal, which I learned to be, more personal, more me, in the Philippines. On the other side, I also felt very much at home in the Philippines, since the relationships were about people and not necessarily about sharing your opinion. Most filipinos told me, they thought I am strange and in a way I am. I am different than a stereotype filipino, and even a stereotype dutch person. I think to be voluntary childless is something people have asked me over the years or wondered. In the Philippines, to be voluntary childless is still a taboo, and considered strange. To be alone and not have anyone taking care of me, when I am old. This is all for you, me blogging out in the open about this topic.

What is your background? (name, family set up, youth, values)

My name is Juliette and currently (while answering these questions) 47 years old. I was born as the eldest of three children. My father is Chinese, and my mother is Dutch. I was raised in a way to use all my potentials and to do my best, that is enough to succeed.

What do you think is still taboo in the Netherlands?

When I investigate my own situation, I think it is generally taboo and perhaps a little different, strange, or not widely accepted, to be voluntary childless out in the open. Women are made to make babies, that is what the biology classes are teaching us. Men like attractive women with wide hips for reproducing purposes.

What is the reason you came to the decision to not have (considering it would be possible) any children?

It is funny since my younger sister was born with one dream. Her dream was to have many children and to bake apple pies. Nothing could make her happier, as a child, she would already tell this to me. I personally never had this dream, not at all, far from that. Besides that, I never had the wish to multiply or even felt the inner clock ticking to get children. Personally, I have been very busy with my own projects, which are sort of my lifework or children. Of course, it is a different way of life and having an organisation is maybe also a substitute.

Regularly in the past years, I have been checking within myself, if I felt the clock ticking. And to imagine my life with a baby or a child. Someone told me once: “Juliette, When you would be able to have children, you will not be alone, you will do that together, with a partner”. At that moment I was amazed and astonished in a way. My personal example, with my mother as a single mom doing most things by herself, was a little different than other people had. But still my sister, born and raised from the same family, felt that she wished to have children. In me, as the eldest child, with responsibilities, this vision of a single parent might had been deeper than I thought. That is still guessing at this moment.

What does your partner think (if you have any)?

My partner and I got together when I passed the “average” time of being fertile. Or the general “normal” age to have a child. He is childless too. We never had any discussion about having children, since the time seemed to have passed. It is also not an issue.

How are the responses from your friends and family?

When I was still living in the Philippines, people would make jokes or tell me it would be still possible to have a baby. It was a general “Hey, how are you doing?” -question in an escalator, difficult for people with a wish to have children and are not able to. In a way it felt uncomfortable for me, since it felt like the question needed an explanation from me. In a way it was strange to not have the wish to get any children, who will take care of you when you are old. No idea, sometimes I wonder too. As sort of a substitute I have two cats. Having two cats already felt like a huge responsibility. In a way, my freedom is dear to me. Since I left the Philippines, already a couple of years ago, I have found another person to take care of them. In a way I think I could put my motherly feelings and my care in them. I miss them terribly.

What do you wish for regarding this taboo?

I think I wish, same as with other taboos, that people respect each other, the way they are. And even though not having any children, goes against biology, it can still be normal and natural to decide what fits in your life. Life is a journey, and everyone has their own rides. In a way, I know I am fortunate that I have a choice.

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Voluntary Childlessness

A question children get a lot at an early age, is what they want to become “when they grow up”. Let me just put aside for a minute the somewhat problematic assumption that a child isn’t already something to begin with.

The point I am getting at is that many children actually have visions of themselves as fathers and mothers. They draw stick figure families standing in front of a house, with a tree, a cloud and a smiling sun to portray this ideal.

Speaking for myself, I remember not understanding this at all. Growing up in a Catholic country in South America, I thought the absence of my wish to be a mother one day, meant I should join a convent and live out my days as a nun.

As I grew older, I realized there were actually more options. Recently I was reminded of the process I went through to give my non-motherhood a place in my life. For me it is a logical and (pretty much) indisputable aspect of my identity, which has caused me little stress.

I realize this is not the same for everyone. Following the lead of my former colleague Juliette, I hereby answer a few of the questions she asked me about this topic recently.

What is your background? (name, family set up, youth, values)

I was born in the Netherlands to Dutch parents. Throughout the family histories of both my parents there have been foreign adventures of all sorts. My childhood years (3 to 12) were spent in South America. My secondary school years played out in the far North of the Netherlands, in a state of longing for warmer places (in every aspect).

I am my father’s third child and my mother’s only one. Compared to the parents of many of my friends, my parents were relatively old (they had me at 36). In their behaviour they were always considered “the fun ones” though.

Do you think ‘voluntary childlessness’ is a taboo?

As far as my own family is concerned I never felt pressure in this respect. I do remember the day my father realized my feelings about motherhood were more than a phase of juvenile rebellion. I remember he smiled (bitterly?) and said “That’s a waste of good genetic material”. The fact that he was complementing himself more than he was trying to change my mind, made it easy for me to shrug off.

Other people around me do tend to be a bit less understanding. The most often heard remark has always been “Sure… you just wait. It’ll change”. As if somehow they knew me better than I do. With the passing of time, expectations did start to shift though. I suppose that has to do partially with my age (I am 36 now) but also with the growing acceptance for a childfree lifestyle in our society in general.

What is the reason you came to the decision to not have (considering it would be possible) any children?

It doesn’t feel like it was ever a clear decision. It was obvious to me. I am not a mother. Period. In recent years I have thought that fact out further but I will spare you the deep psychological analysis on this particular occasion.

What does your partner think (if you have one)?

My partner did have a strong desire to have children when we met. We have had many long conversations about this in the first years of our relationship (12 years and going strong now). His desire to be with me turned out to be stronger than his wish to have children. :)

How are the responses from your friends and family?

The fact that I enjoy being the goofy aunt makes some people say I would make a good mother. Nobody ever gives me a hard time over it though. My parents are already grandparents through my brothers and I think that has sufficiently satisfied their evolutionary desire for continuation of the genetic line (or whatever).

What do you feel should change regarding voluntary childlessness?

My own process has been relatively stressfree. I have never been harassed or pressured into changing my views or feelings. Also I have had access to (information about) contraceptives and have faced no repercussions when I started taking them. For myself, nothing would have to change. But I suppose I would wish for other women (or men) choosing not to have children to have it as easy as I did.