Marshall Rosenberg, the author of “Nonviolent Communication - A Language for Life”, explains how to listen emphatically. This is the summary of a bite-sized piece of a more lengthy material that is available in the original source: https://youtu.be/tahOuqFS8kM

What empathy is and is not

“Things we do to stay connected with people so we can really connect with that flow of energy that is coming through them. […] it involves our full presence of what is alive in the other person, at this moment”  

 Marshall Rosenberg

“Presence is the most powerful gift one person can give to another. Powerful and precious. For when we give this gift to others, it is a major component of healing. It is a major component of the connection that is necessary for people to enjoy contributing to each other’s wellbeing”

“It requires bringing nothing from the past into the present. It requires seeing the present as a new born baby, that has never been before, and it will never be again.”

Martin Buber

Empathy is not…

• Intellectual understanding of the problem --> intellectually understanding what are the things that historically contribute to people developing certain problems --> while this goes on, there is no connecting with the other person as a unique individual. It should not be mistaken for empathy
• Sympathy --> person starts talking about pain --> other say “Oh, I am so sad about that” --> it’s a response that talks about ourselves, takes the focus away from what is alive in the other person
  
  • E.g. Think of a time you’ve had headache, and you have gotten really involved in a good book. Then you don’t feel the pain, because your full attention is in the book. That full attention, is what empathy is
  • People can enjoy the sympathetic response, but only after they have had their empathic connection that they need
• Giving advice --> very often we feel like we are showing understanding and we jump right in and start to give them advice
• Telling your own story --> using the words “I understand”. People say it, but they do not really understand what is alive in the speaker. It is just about their intellectual understanding of the situation was

Nonviolent communication: do not use “I understand”, use of something much mor powerful, which is to demonstrate understanding